Pushing 50!!!

 Lordy, Lordy, look who's having a birthday? A BIG birthday! The BIG 5-0!

Moi!

And I really can't wait. 

My 50th birthday is this coming Sunday (December 5th). It's a birthday that I've been thinking about since, well, since I turned 49. Decade birthdays seem bigger somehow...and turning 50 feels HUGE.

I think the first six months of thinking about it felt a little overwhelming and I'll admit, a little discouraging. I was stuck a bit in thinking about what I hadn't accomplished, what I might never get to do...

But then my thinking started turning around. Turning 50 was better than the alternative (not making 50), so I decided I might as well enjoy it! And in a weird sort of way, getting laid off six months ago (yes, it's been six months) provided me with just the right kick in the pants that I needed. I'm not recommending being laid off to anyone. It sucks. But if it's going to happen, you might as well figure out a way to make it the time productive for you. 

And so I started thinking not about what I hadn't done, but what I wanted to do. I firmly believe it is never too late to pursue your dreams. Whatever time we have on this earth is meant to be enjoyed, doing what we love to do.

So I started looking at 50 as the age of opportunity. Turning 50 can be liberating in many ways. My kids are grown (more or less). I have more freedom to do what I want. And I really don't need anyone's permission any more. Ha!

So I'm cruising into this birthday week filled to the brim with excitement. I have lots of fun planned. I'm kicking the weekend off with an open studio event--Lowertown First Friday. Stop by and celebrate with me! 

And then, my very best friend, Julie (who also just turned 50) is coming to town and we plan on celebrating 50 together! 

To top it all off-- my hubby is paying the program fees for the WARM program for my birthday present. (Being married to someone who "gets" you is like a present everyday.)

I am a lucky girl!

 

Leap of Faith

Allow me to apologize for being a bit scarce around here lately...I've been in sort of a deep cleaning mode, at home and at the studio. I finally cleaned up this little sitting area in a little corner of our bedroom. The chairs have been there for ages, but tend to be the dumping ground for clothes and what not. The whole idea has been to have this space near the windows where hubby and I can sit to talk, read, or just watch the river.

I suppose it is a good time for fall cleaning, but I think this little bout of cleaning is just as much about me working through this transition in my life. I'm not done yet, but I'm making headway. I was finally ready to go through some papers and other items I brought home when I left my job five months ago (in some ways, I feel my job left me). It has felt too emotionally charged to do it any sooner. I had to leave things set a bit, so I could separate myself from these things. But it was time. As I sorted through these things, I packed some things away, found new places for other things, and tossed a whole lot out. With every bag I tossed away, my spirit felt a little free-er to move on.

So much of life is filled with uncertainty...the unknown. It can scare you, if you let it. Believe me, I have those days. But the only way I have made it through the past five months is by embracing the unknown as possibility and adventure. I won't lie...I feel uncertain and even scared at times. But there is also a part of me that has seen this layoff as a gift, a rare opportunity to explore other options for my life.

It's not easy to stay in that place. I sometimes have to keep myself from falling into a perpetual state of panic or despair. But because I am trying to look at this time as a gift, I have been a bit bolder and ready to take a leap of faith...in myself.

The cool thing is that my hubby is doing the same. In the past five months, he has reignited his passion for acting. He's been running all over town, going on auditions, taking parts in student films, answering calls for film extras... And it is beginning to pay off...he has a lead role in a community theater production and is getting more and more calls for some paying gigs (it's nice to be compensated sometimes!).

Last night as we were recounting some of our recent exploits to my son, he quipped, You are one artsy couple."  Ya, we are...and quite happy pursuing our dreams.

My leap of faith is all about taking myself more seriously as an artist and being bold enough to declare myself just that, an artist. I am working hard to commit more time to my art, to challenge myself as an artist and grow.

And so, I feel ready to take advantage of this gift and use it as an opportunity to participate in a program that I think will make me a stronger artist. A little over a month ago, I wrote about the WARM mentor program. Over the past month, I have attended a couple mentor introduction sessions. I am just starting the process of interviewing with possible mentors.

Interview...the very word is anxiety-producing. Yesterday, before my first interview, I was about as nervous as I could get. That negative critical voice inside my head was working overtime, with fears of not being good enough. It was no easy task to quiet that little monster.

Thankfully, five minutes into the "interview" I had calmed down considerably and was, for the most part, able to enjoy this incredible opportunity to review my work with a more experienced artist. It was a wonderful experience. Sometimes it is good to see your work through someone else's eyes. I left feeling my work is stronger than I give myself credit for...and I felt more clarity about what direction I want to go with my work.

I still have two more "interview" experiences...spread out over the next few weeks. Mentors and protegees will be matched when the interview period is completed--November 15th.

In the meantime, I will continue plugging away...and trying to make the best use of this opportunity.